the still and empty house

Saturday and all is quiet.  I have come home from work at 6:20 to find the last of my housemates departing.  Alone in the house I think about what I should do and wonder at my solitude, and slowly begin to loathe it.  I think of Saturday nights when I came home and Joe had something cooking, a football game on, a thought to tell me, a hug, a kiss. . . and now I turn on NPR to fill up the house a little more, but I still shudder and choke as I try to eat my food alone.  I don't know where he is, and as of two weeks ago I know longer have any right to know.  The loneliness is sad, isolating save for Bella; but what's more is that it's my fault.  This empty Saturday night is my doing.  I am the reason why he no longer stays at home and waits

for me, to hear how my day is, to eat with me, to watch a movie or on the rare occasion when I had money to spend, or even rarer he did, we would venture out and have a few drinks.

People outside of my decision would say I did the right thing and it's for the best. But the decision sucks and I hate it, but I hated staying in a relationship that drained me too.  Maybe it's change that I am mourning for, or what's worse failure.  At any rate, eating alone, in a still and empty house is an isolating homecoming at the end of my week. And I fucking hate it.

I have tried to post a blog for over a week now and I guess I am having one of those times in life where there is nothing you want to say but there is something you must say.  I have tried to post the below paragraph over 5 times at least and now, with a heavy heart, I think I am ready to do so. I lost something two weeks ago but I have also gained. I guess in time I will be able to better judge the equality of the exchange....

"I write tonight as a changed person.  Recently I have let go of the only man who has ever treated me so well.  The only relationship in which I have respected myself, and was treated with respect in return; but, for many reasons, it's time and I need to be alone and also let Joe find himself.  I haven't written here in a while because I didn't know what to say, indeed only a few persons know.  But it was for the right reasons and I hope those reasons become clearer as the days pass and it becomes easier to comprehend what change really means.  As of right now we are friends, or try to be, and I have never missed so much the person who lives downstairs."